Life as a Single Father

Posted on August 24, 2010 by JW

What is it like being a single parent? What is it like being a single father? Well, it is definitely not an easy task. First thing that goes out the window is your time. Your time is your child’s time and whatever you enjoy doing with your time otherwise is very limited. If you like to go out, good luck. If you like to hang out with friends outside of your own home, good luck. Etc..

I just want to clarify though, I chose to have my son live with me and love the fact that I am the main influence in his life, despite all the difficulties that it presents, he is in the most positive environment that he could be in. I was never married to his mom, it was one of those things where it just happened and it is what it is.

I took physical custody of him over a year ago now and the contrast in him is obvious to me and others that know him before and after him moving in with me full time. He is now in sports, stable environment, and his confidence level is %200 higher than it ever was before that. I have always been in his life, but considering that his previous home with his mother was hours away from where I lived, it made it difficult to see him on a regular basis.

He is a little older now, and he is about to venture into middle school this year. Unfortunately he has already acquainted himself with the Vice Principle of the middle school. He made a dumb decision at the end of the school year to throw rocks at a middle school window on his way home from school and the window broke not realizing that the school has cameras on the outside of the school. It was a dumb decision on his part, but lesson learned.

I think the hardest part of being a single parent is maintaining sanity with responsibility. I work a lot to provide things for my son, as well as for myself. It’s not easy being the sole person to be there for everything. To be the provider and nurturer, there is a lot of people these days who do the same thing day in and day out.

How about dating? This is the most difficult part I think. Considering the fact that as a single parent you barely have time for yourself, how do you put time aside to meet new people? How do you put time in to get to know someone? Relationships are like anything else that is new, you need to spend a lot of time in the beginning to get to know the each other, and time as a single parent is something that is scarce. Now I am not saying dating is out the door, it just takes a little more understanding on the other person’s part I suppose. The hardest par t I find is when your schedule gets busy it’s really hard to maintain a relationship with someone else. You can’t just bail and go see a movie without making other arrangements for your kid. You also don’t want to keep bringing in strangers to meet your kid in the beginning, what if it doesn’t seem to work out. It’s hard for the kids and sometimes it can be a lot for the other person too. People get attached and separating from a lover is a lot easier then separating from a child.

There is a lot more to it obviously, but I thought I would just share some of the things that I have to deal with on a day to day basis. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything, I love watching him grow up, and although it may take away most of my younger years away, I have done a lot in my life to balance it out. So I am good on that I suppose

Why I can’t sleep?

Posted on August 12, 2010 by JW

For some reason as I sit here just dead, I decided to look up why I am always so tired, why I have a hard time just falling asleep at night and always having trouble waking up in the morning. I even slammed one of those 5 hour energy drinks today for the first time and that didn’t even come close to helping. To be honest, those things taste like crap, and didn’t do anything but give me something awful of an after taste.

So I did a Google search on sleep deprivation, assuming that’s what it was, and then starting reading on sleep disorders. I came across this article on DSPS (Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome). Here’s the first part of the article:

“Delayed sleep phase syndrome (DSPS) is a condition in which people have trouble timing their sleep around daily activities. Because their sleep is driven by their own internal clock, those with DSPS go to bed considerably later (generally in the early morning hours) and have an extremely difficult time waking up in the morning.” – Rest of the article can be found here

Basically everything in the above article describes my issues with sleeping to a T, and explains why I have such a hard time with being energized throughout any day. I can’t sleep until I absolutely force myself to, and for me I have a really hard time just falling asleep. For example if I lay down at ten at night, I will just sit there tossing and turning for hours before actually just knocking out.

I know that I should probably cut out caffeine before going to bed, and probably try and focus on sleeping better, but for some reason this is not that easy of change for me. It seems easy enough if you just think about, but habits are habits for a reason, and honestly I am not even sure if that will even help. I am so use to not sleeping that it’s almost natural for me to just live like this. . Obviously I know that I need to change some things in my habit areas I have come so accustomed to, but for a person who is borderline OCD with some things as I am, it’s hard to break out of habits.

This could also attribute to my “ADHD” that I seem to have a lot of and even more of lately, also my inability to focus on any one thing, and decision making has gone out the window as well. I know I have become irritated with smaller things more and more lately too.

There are some recommendations I found on how to correct this with milder cases, but I am thinking that I probably have a little more than just a mild case of this, as it’s been something that has plagued me since I can even remember.

Just found it interesting how they have a syndrome for almost anything these days. 50 years ago people would have just said stop being a woosy about it and suck it up. These days, no matter what it is, there’s something out there to reference back to. I love the internet, no matter how screwed up you are, how naïve, dumb, sick, or whatever you are, there’s an answer for it.

The one thing that I did finally found out by myself was I had to slow my brain down to actually fall asleep. Yes, I did say slow my brain down. Meaning I have a crap load of things blaring through my mind at any given time, before going to bed even. For example, I could be thinking about the days activities, the next days activities, bills, job, relationships, house, cars, my kid, dog, etc., all at the same time it seems like. So my trick to myself is almost like self meditation I suppose, slowly working those thoughts out of my head till I am actually able to fall asleep. I literally tell my own self to shut up already, go to bed. Unfortunately I haven’t learned on how to do this earlier. But it works most nights to at least get me some sleep.

Makes me wonder how many people actually have some weird things like this that most people probably don’t know about.

Anyways, so I’ll probably be sitting in my bed at 12:30am wondering if I’ll ever fall asleep again tonight, and then wake up at my usual 5:30am, um I mean 5:40am, or 5:50am, more like 6:10am. Yeah, you got to love the snooze button.

Thanks for reading.

-JW

Man’s Best Friend

Posted on August 5, 2010 by JW

I was completely bored out of mind last night, absolutely nothing to do. I don’t do bored very well at all. Luckily my awesome dog Rocky was there to keep me entertained. We took a long walk last night, which I have neglected him on lately and I feel bad about it.

It’s amazing how something like a dog can instantly put someone in a good mood. Keep us happy when we are down, keep us entertained when we are bored, and always willing to keep us happy no matter what we do, no matter how we treat them, they just want to please their owner. Unless you have an ankle biter, then you have to keep them entertained… J just kidding, but not really.

So during my crazy bore fest last night, we walked for a few miles, it was gorgeous night out too. He does this crazy thing when he gets into an open patch of grass, which is just hilarious to me. He’ll sit there sniffing around, then stop quick, look at you kind of crouching almost, and as soon as you move towards him he bolts. He seriously runs like crazy, either in circles or back and forth. I not talking about a normal dog running back and forth either, he is doing this so fast, and cuts on a dime, and all the while only going the length of the leash. It’s not a short leash either; it’s one of those retractable ones that extend out to about 15 ft I believe. It always makes me laugh when he does it. When I bring him to my sister’s place he loves it, she has a pretty big yard and I just let him do his laps there. Unfortunately I live in a town home and don’t really have the means to let him off the leash at my place. So I either take him to my sisters place, otherwise we walk up to this park with an ice rink, and I just shut the gate and let him do his thing. It seriously is soothing to me to watch him run around free like that. I know he loves it so much and probably could do it for hours.

He also loves to play with my cat, although the cat doesn’t seem to like him too much, but they do play. It’s hilarious to watch. The cat is pretty big for a cat, roughly about 20 lbs I suppose. The cat will purposely walk in front of him sticking his butt in the air, and the Rock thinks the cat wants to play, so he chases him. The cat will usually win though, he’ll jump on a higher surface like the counter or something and start whacking the dog in the face. Haha, it even makes me smile while writing this.

I just wanted to share how my dog keeps me entertained, even on the most boring of nights. Truly Man’s Best Friend.
If anyone wants to share how their pet makes them smile, how they are entertained, loved, or whatever it may be, feel free to comment below.

Here’s a quick vid of Rocky Chilling out with Big Fat Cat..

It’s just me?

Posted on July 30, 2010 by JW

I don’t know if people truly just don’t understand me at all. I try to be up front about everything, keeping everything on the surface. Some take my kindness as weakness, not knowing that I don’t fall under control. I am kind to someone because I choose to be, not because I feel that I have to be or that I need to be. Kindness comes off as a weakness because people think they can take advantage of that, which is why I think where the old cliché of “nice guys finish last” comes from. Maybe it’s true for most guys/gals that they get infatuated with something or someone and do whatever it takes to not lose that. I am not that guy, I am nice because that’s how I am, can’t change that in anyone, I don’t mind to help those that I feel like helping.

The other side is that I can be harsh as well, I may not say anything hurtful, but once my mind is made up on something it’s a done deal, I don’t look back. I have been told in the past that I am emotionless, which is not true, but I can see how someone could see that. I have told people in the past that I have no dimmer switch, it’s on or off for me. My unpredictably is what really confuses people that get to close to me. I guess I am a person who likes to take things as they come, and sometimes don’t look ahead at all the repercussions of my actions and the people that confused on where I am going and/or where I am coming from.

I honestly have no friends that I would call my “best friend(s)”, I tend to have a lot of acquaintances and know a lot of people. It really all depends on my interests at the time I guess, and those are the people I hang out with. Seems like no matter where I go, I usually run into someone I know. I never cared for what group a person belonged to, example skaters, popular kids, burnouts, geeks, jocks, etc. I hung with anyone that I got along with or found interesting, I don’t care what people think of me and I try not to judge someone before actually getting to know them first.

There is a lot that I don’t care for. Fake people really get my nerves going for some reason. I try to not let it bother me, but it does. I think it’s because fake people try to trick you into thinking they are something they are not. I find that annoying because I feel that person thinks I am dumb. Fake people are those people who are insecure, cocky, who lie, try to trick you, use you, and etc…

I am also very contradictory in my own self. I find that I like both sides of the table. I am logical and content, and then I am also one who can think outside the box and be outgoing. I try not to limit myself with anything that I see or do, which also gets me in trouble in a lot ways I am computer geek with bad boy tendencies, but I am no bad boy and I am not your traditional computer geek either. I think that’s where people really get confused with me because it’s hard to grasp the concept of who I am. I can come off really responsible and straight forward then go completely opposite and become irresponsible and flake. I think the balance in my life has to be one extreme or the other because I don’t have the dimmer switch like most people do.

Sometimes I don’t even know if I know what I am doing or who I am at times. I will always be doing what I feel I should or want to do regardless of what people think. People think too much on how others should live their lives when it’s not theirs to choose. I feel almost pity for some people because they are so trapped in what they should be doing, or what other people think they should be doing instead of doing what they know they want to do, they get stuck and live in cruise control mode, playing it safe. I am not saying be free from all responsibility, but sometimes you just have to say screw it and just do what you want sometimes, balance it out.

Even now I am even contemplating about even posting this on my blog. Obviously if you are reading this then I decided to post. So, I am going to cut it off here; I think I could probably just rant all day long about things. This post probably will expose me a little bit, but I really don’t care

Have a good day, week, weekend

-JW

The “Rebel” Soul

Posted on July 26, 2010 by JW

I heard this in a song the other day, there was a line in the song said that said “Rebel Soul”, I don’t remember the song it was just on the radio, but I thought to myself, I love that phrase, it just stuck out to me for some reason.

Since I was a child, I always had this uncontrollable urge to rebel against conformity, authority and pretty much if I was told I couldn’t do something I would just do it, or at least try. I never liked being told I wasn’t able to do something; it really bugs me even today. It’s funny because I was always taught that a person can be whatever they want to be if they put their mind to it. Well, if someone tells me something is not possible, or I can’t do it, or it’s too risky to try, I am the first one to challenge those types things.

I was probably more considered a trouble maker when I was a kid because of my willingness to test people’s limits and authority. I didn’t like the feeling of someone trying to control me in anyway shape or form. I wouldn’t consider myself a bad kid when I was younger, I think I was very respectful of people, but those who didn’t respect me too got that smart ass kid who didn’t care about what I said or did. Even today I feel that I am very respectful of people, but the fake ones, the one’s that try and control every situation usually will meet me with a lot of resistance.

Does the Rebel Soul exist? I believe so, I think that people are built a certain way and there is no getting past it. Some people are just nice, others are just asses, some conform and others rebel and that’s just how it works. There is some control on how you can be on the front side, but for the most part, you are what you are.

People always tell me I contradict everything I do, I am both North and South, logical and creative, reasonable and stubborn, up and down, left and right, stable and unstable, I am one way one time and another way another time. I believe I even rebel within my own self, always trying to keep that balance point within me, trying to stay humble and modest while also testing my limits, tight roping the edge while keeping my balance.

I never really cared what people thought of me, I always seemed to do my own thing, and some people followed and sometimes I followed depending on if it was something I was interested in. I was that kid and still am to this day that will do whatever I want. If it’s something that gauges my attention, then I will do it and not worry about the consequences of whatever it would be.

I think that the things that scare people the most seem to be more attractive to me for some reason. I feel that if people are scared to take that chance then it must be something worth trying in my opinion. Why not, you only get one chance at things in this life, and you have to utilize it while you can. Go big or go home, I always liked that phrase.

This was a totally random thought of the weekend, not sure if this post makes sense even to me, but that’s kind of the point I guess. J

Thanks for reading.

-JW

It works or it doesn’t..

Posted on July 15, 2010 by JW

I wonder if I am cursed with some sort of innate ability to truly stick something out, especially when presented with different opportunities. People always say that there is always something better out there, something waiting for us all. When is someone able to truly be happy with what they have forever? To me it seems that this comes easy for a lot of people, satisfied with what they have, who they are with, being completely happy in their own little bubble. But for some maybe this triumph is unattainable, never truly happy and always wanting more.

I feel that sometimes I am finally calm, relaxed, truly grounded where I am at in my life and then like a semi plowing into a wall it gets flipped and I find myself wanting or doing something completely different. Some people may associate this with growing up, but when do we truly grow up?

Maybe some of us are put here to live our lives wandering until we no longer exist, experiencing as much as we can without satisfaction of finding what we are truly searching for. I really hope this is not true, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering it.

I find that things come very easy to me when I am not really looking for it, just happen and for some reason tend to work out more than anything planned. I was always taught that if you want something you have to work hard for it. I do believe in working hard for what you want in life, as in your job, situation, car, money, and lifestyle, etc. But why in relationships does it seem like either it works or it doesn’t, there’s no effort put into this aspect of people’s lives anymore for most.

How do people just know what is right and what is not? How can a person possibly tell if it’s the one that will work once the something new vibe dissipates? Do they just settle then? Do they truly feel that it’s destiny? I have no idea, if it’s truly happiness they have then I am truly envious of them. I think that most people tend to settle, thinking that’s the best way, or are scared to get what they truly want. I could be wrong though, I could be the one who is in fear maybe. Who knows, this actually is kind of a weird blog for me to write, but my brain is in a state of randomness today, and this is just in my head.

I am going to end this one here before I say too much.

Thanks for reading,

-JW

My Summer..

Posted on July 13, 2010 by JW

Summer is always about fun in the sun, things going on all the time, people out and about having fun doing whatever they want to be doing. Being outside doing things is always synonymous with the summer months. Beaches, long bike rides and/or riding in a boat sounds like fun things as well. Some people plan camping, a cabin, fishing, long walks by the beach, a long drive to somewhere other than home.

Lately I have been overwhelmed with all that goes on, doesn’t seem to be enough time to do all these things that I would want to do. Sometimes I even feel that I over plan my days in the summer that I never actually get to relax and enjoy anything.

At this point my brain feels like it is on fry level and I am just coasting through. I honestly think that I get more accomplished in the winter than I do in the summer. I am more relaxed, the feeling of being overwhelmed with activities is not there. I do love summer though and that’s probably the main reason that I go overboard with all the things that I want to do.

Summer always reminds me of when people go on vacation and they come back saying they need a vacation from their vacation. Maybe I do need a vacation from everything once summer is up. I wonder if everyone feels that way when they get older or maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. There are some days that I completely enjoy and others where it’s just zombie mode. I’ll just continue to Ride my Bike as much as possible while i can, walk my dog Rocky, and spend time with My son Riley and whatever else comes up in between.. Should be a good summer.

My Weird Dream(s)

Posted on June 18, 2010 by JW

The other night I had this dream, it was really odd to me although I don’t remember all the details of it now, which is weird how you can wake up from a dream and remember it entirely for a short period of time then pretty much disappears. I don’t remember how it began; I just remember having to fight the whole time. I saw my son for a split second and he was in the middle of this group of guys that were hitting him hard. I remember him looking at me with that look of I need help. I ran over to him hitting these guys non-stop to get him out of there, but the more I knocked down the more guys kept coming up to me. All of sudden he was not there anymore and it moved down the street in front of a store or something. Just constantly was battling these people. Then all of a sudden I woke up at around 3 in the morning feeling like I had anxiety and felt disturbed, almost like I just woke up from a bad dream.

I remember when I was younger I use to have these dreams where I would have to fight people all the time, and it’s always been multiple people at once. But those were always ones that I couldn’t do anything to them, I would never get beat up, but for some reason every time I went to hit the other people it would have no effect, just weak. One time I woke up because I punched the wood part of my bed while I was having this dream. I definitely felt that one of course

I am not sure if I was more self-conscious back then and that was the way of my sub-conscious pointing it out for me, or even what this particular dream about my son really indicates. I do believe our dreams are ways of telling us things, whether it’s hidden meanings or literal.

This part may sound weird to some people, but it happens to me so often it’s crazy to me. Have you ever had a Déjà vu moment where you stop in your tracks and say to yourself I have done or seen this before? I do all the time, and the weird part is I remember specifically for a split second when I dreamed that moment, and I kid you not it’s always exactly how I remember it from a dream I had when I was a kid, then it dissipates and I can’t picture it anymore. Most times when this happens I get a sick feeling, like something bad is going to happen at that moment and I instantly become more aware of what I am doing to insure that nothing bad happens. I know, you are probably like that’s bull crap, but I am totally serious and it freaks me out every time it happens.

So, I am hoping that this most recent dream of my son getting pummeled and I having to fend off an infinity of people to save him doesn’t come to fruition and just some sort of sub-conscious way of telling me that I worry too much or whatever it means.

Thank you for reading

John

Can a non human be descriminated against?

Posted on May 21, 2010 by JW

I have read a lot of blogs lately, news articles and person to person conversations with people who either hate Pitbulls or Love them. Most posts or blogs that i see on Pitbulls are from people who hate them and seem to be only basing their opinions on stories they read on some news site, or saw something on a forum or blog, not really being based on actually knowing what they are talking about, solely based on someone elses perspective.

On the other side, you have people who try to convince others through comments on posts or whatever other outlets that Pitbulls are not to blame, it’s the owner. It seems almost impossible to try to argue two points of view when neither side will give in. Changing someone’s opinion on a particular point of view is almost impossible to sway. Once the mind is set on something, it takes a lot to change that.

I have recently found that just bringing my dog to places that others congregate at is the best way to change the view and assumptions that others might have for my dog when they see him initially. Yes, I know there have been many well documented dog attacks that involving pitbulls, and yes I know what they are used for when in the hands of dumb ass people. What I think people fail to realize is that there is so many dogs in a year that do bite someone severely that are not pitbulls, but when reading that a lab or a retriever bit someone it just doesn’t have the same stigma as using the word “Pit Bull Attack” in the media. You got to admit it grabs your attention.

I think that people like to argue, even if it’s something not worth arguing about. I think it’s irresponsible to single out any single group, whether we are talking about dogs or people, it’s just plain not right, and not moral. Whether you think it’s just a dog and it’s not inhumane to subject a breed of dog based on the actions of a few, or single out a group of people based on the actions of a few. Someone reading will probably bring up a point that more dog bites reported are pitbulls and pitbull mixes, and that may be true, but you also have the most numbers in terms of how many are in the US, and probably world due to the popularity of the Pitbull.

Even I read the comments and posts from Pitbull supporters who seem to have no idea what they are talking about. All that I really know is that people need to chill out a little bit on both sides and people should try to take in both sides logically and educationally versus stupid rhetoric and no substance bullshit that means nothing to no one.

I think the ban on Pitbulls is getting ridiculous and I think the posts that I have been reading are even more ridiculous as well, I read one earlier to kill where some guy had a picture of a pitbull with the description (“Kill Them all”). Really? Just because dogs are dogs and not humans, doesn’t mean discrimination and Racism doesn’t exist when referring to a dog. Being a minority my self and a lot of misconceptions even about me, I guess I just can relate to these hateful terms and comments. “Kill Them All” “Segregate them all” “Not Pitbulls only” “Separate Rights for Different Breeds”.

I am done with my rant for the day

Thanks for reading:

Rocky at Riley’s first Baseball Practice :-)

Posted on April 23, 2010 by JW

Riley (My son) had his very first Baseball practice on Weds night and we brought along Rocky (our dog). It was kind of funny to watch Rocky just spy on Riley the whole practice, at least what I thought was him watching Riley. I really think he was more interested in the actual Baseballs, he tends to like ripping through baseballs like the way most people would eat bread. So every time a ball would come by us, he would automatically dart for the ball. It was funny.

So, I was just standing there next to all the parents while the coach was just conversing with all of us. He then came up to me and asked if Rocky was a boxer, and I responded “Yep, well he’s a boxer mix actually”. The coach then responded “Oh, I love boxers, he a beautiful dog.” So after the coach commented on Rocky, another parent said the samething “He’s gorgeous”, and then she says to her kid “At least he’s not a Pitbull”. I was like “Um, actually he is a boxer pitbull mix o_O” She then looked at me like and said “Oh, well he seems so well behaved though”. No shit lady..lmao, anyways, it didn’t get me mad or anything, just think it’s funny that most people don’t get it. I then told her that I have to more Pit Mixes at home. She must of thought I was crazy or something. Well needless to say, her and her kids came up later on and pet Rocky and played with him a little bit. Hopefully that changed one person’s perception of Pitbulls and Pit Mixes.

Also, Riley did really well in his first practice, and he has one tonite too. I was a little worried because it’s his first year, and when I tried to play catch with him before he was really scared of the ball, everytime it went towards him he would look away and almost run. But he did really well and I am proud of him He definetly needs more practice (as you can see him missing the ball in the pic below), but I know he will pick it up pretty quick.

Insoluble Vitality

Random thoughts about everything and anything.

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